Without a commitment to togetherness, there is no us. How one person feels in a relationship affects and impacts the whole relationship. It is something to be addressed by the both of you and not just dealt with or owned by one.
Someone once told me about a workshop they went on which talked about emotions. What they found most profound was the concept that you are the only one who can change how you feel. An example they gave was that if someone was making you angry, you have a choice whether to feel angry or to feel some other way. I’m not sure if it was the entirety of what they were teaching at this workshop, but this sounded very individualistic to me. To me what they described really lacked empathy and completely missed out the other person.
They always say communication is important in relationships – and it is! Sometimes though, we need the other person to take the big step towards that. Someone being angry, irritated, frustrated will be too caught up in their emotions to be able to think of a calm and rational way of how they’re feeling or what is really going on for them. Their emotionality can often be a sign that they are attempting to communicate something bigger.
It’s important to tell the other person how they are impacting you, how you’re feeling. Let them know calmly and at an appropriate time if they seem to be, for example, more angry, argumentative or distant of late. Ask them about it or even take some time yourself to reflect and share your thoughts with them rather than ignore or make yourself feel some other way or react back and just be angry, argumentative or distant back.
Often an argument in a relationship is not about trying to criticise the other person, make them angry or push them away, but to say ‘I am feeling unhappy about something’, which often has a larger context than whatever is being mentioned in that specific moment like, ‘I am feeling unhappy about something in our relationship‘. Quite often what the other person might be trying to say is, ‘I am not feeling very loved by you’, or ‘I don’t feel like I am a priority in your life’. Often it’s a call and a want to feel closer in your relationship; to feel more like an us than just a you and a me. If you both can have a good level of self-awareness around this, you can create a more resilient and stronger relationship.